Ok. Much on my mind. Lately I've had a series of setbacks in my life, it almost seems that all of 2009 was one giant setback. Granted, I had alot of personal growth. I became very politically active, completed my first album and spent alot of time with Makayla. But when it comes to relationships, jobs, and everything else, I am feeling rather lost. I'm not sure who to trust anymore. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I've made some serious misjudgments about love. I think. Maybe I've just been too eager to fall in love because of all the turmoil in my life. I feel as if I'm losing control of everything. I'm sure 6 months of unemployment is a driving factor in this feeling. Being homeless the past few weeks isn't helping either. Thankfully, I'm not on the streets. But I can't escape the feeling that something deeper is at work here. I just wish I could put my finger on it. My heart is closing up again and it worries me. The last two relationships I was in have made me question the trust I put in love. I truly am a hopeless romantic, and I stress the "hopeless" part. To make matters worse, I feel like I'm losing Makayla to her new life with her step-father to be, and her new half-sister. I usually have trouble during this time of year... it's the middle of the school year, and the time away from her is painful. I miss her terribly. The summer can't come fast enough. She recharges me. I worry that I may not have my shit together by this summer now. I don't want to contemplate losing a summer with her because of my financial situation, but it is a possibility. I don't feel like I can count on my family as I once could. I think they've lost faith in me and my abilities to care for myself and Makayla. Despite renewing many old friendships during the past year, I've also lost a few very close friendships, in ways I never thought imaginable. I've been engaged twice during the past year, once because I proposed, and another time because my woman proposed to me. Both of them bailed on me. So I am left wondering where I'm going wrong here. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. America and the world right now are dealing with some serious issues. And I know I must stand strong and keep fighting, for Makayla if nothing else. I'm also sure now more than ever that Makayla is here for a very special reason. She lifts me up. She drives me when I have nothing else to drive me. I'm just feeling rather lost. And not sure who, or what, I can count on. Thankfully, my "virtual" friends online have come through for me big time. Many in "real" life now as a result of our friendships online. I'm very grateful for them all. I've also found political activism to be very rewarding, and I've met some great people through all of my work in that arena. I'm also grateful for a compassionate president and congress who have helped me survive the past six months, and are making the next six manageable. Just wishing I could land a job, get a home, and get a foundation to start from again. So, as I said, much on my mind. Guess that's it for now. The library is closing, and thus, my time online is ending. TTL........
Peace and love,
Nathan
Peace and love,
Nathan
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